I still don't matter

i just don't know what to blog about these days...
not sure whether it's the feeling that i'm a boring person or that everyone who actually sees this blog would know what i'm feeling...
though i highly doubt that anyone would be reading what i blog about...
if life was worth living,
why can't anyone prove it to me,
why does it seem like there's nothing better to do everyday...
why must that face just come back and haunt me every time i dream...
each morning i have to start to breath and fake that cheerful smile i'm expected to give...
sometimes i just feel like the people who matter to me,
don't care whether i exist or not,
to them i could be just another fat dumb useless guy just standing there just waiting to listen to each and every word they have to say because they mean so much to me.

i know i'm not useless,
but it sure feels like it
doesn't matter how hard i try
it's all the same after awhile
nobody sees
nobody cares
nobody realizes that i'm there

i'm loud
but nobody cares
even when i'm quiet
still nobody cares
no one gives a damn
no one gives a shit

it's just so hard

God help me.....
i don't know what to do......
i can't sleep....
I can't stop thinking about it...
i really don't know what to do...
i'm gonna go for NS tomorrow..
but i still haven't made up my mind yet...
there's so many things that i have to balance.
i don't know if it will last this 3 months...
i don't want to feel rejection again
but i wanna know how this will turn out...
I can't do this anymore
it's just so hard

i don't know if she's ready for it
i don't know if I ready for it